The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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