wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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