Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
