i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm at about main and main street
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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