I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
