I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
