I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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