another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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