3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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