Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize