I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
