The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
