I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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