rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
