Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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