I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Im part way to drunk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
