I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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