If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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