i already hear my dad disowning me
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
