Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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