Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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