If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
