We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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