Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
