i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
