I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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