i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
