So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
