I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
