Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
