Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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