I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
