I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
