hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
