then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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