Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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