Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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