it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
