So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize