Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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