Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My liver is preforming stress tests.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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