can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
