I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
