Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
