I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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