i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
