Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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