He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
