we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
