guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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