Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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