Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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