Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
