Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
