Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
