Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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