Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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