My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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