Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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