There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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