My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
