my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
