booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
