and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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