i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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